Farewell Christopher Robin

Change happens whether we want it or not; seasons, people, minds, friends, and life changes. There's an unwelcome change happening in our household.  My 11-year old son's voice is changing.  I am jarred to my core every time his smooth childish voice cracks and a deep voice breaks through in the middle of a sentence.  I don’t recognize this new voice.  This deep voice clangs as a warning bell of a new chapter entering my life. The deep voice also symbolizes more changes:  the process of emptying toy boxes, buying deodorant, loss of control, cell phones and data plans, making room in the closet for fashionable clothes and shoes, and worst of all, not being able to kiss or hug the grown up hurts away. Then it will be me alone living with 3 men.  I am NOT ready for this!

Every night I give my son a good night kiss and as I walk away the practical feeling of he’s getting too old for bedtime kisses fights my emotional ties.  I just want to hold onto the adolescent for a few more years. It’s times such as these that make me regret not cherishing more moments before tweendom. I wanted him to grow, mature, and catch up with his peers so I never expected this melancholy feeling.   

In this moment I feel like Winnie the Pooh saying good bye to Christopher Robin. I feel as if I'm standing in the doorway of the last chapter waving a tearful good bye to a small child who's walking away.  It is a bittersweet moment and the tears are one-sided.  I'm saying goodbye to softness, good bye tickling/cuddling, good bye stuffed animals and good bye to being the center of my child’s universe.  The child is smiling and eager for new adventures and happy to be independent and saying “Hello, world!”

As I'm sadly watching the child getting smaller in the distance there's a tween with a cracking voice who is as tall as me trying to enter through the doorway without an invitation. I look at him, pause and accept that children grow up and I welcome him inside.  Before I shut the door I look out once more to see the child cresting the horizon into a bright future.

Excerpt from "The World of Pooh"  Chapter 10

Christopher Robin was going away.  Nobody knew why he was going; nobody knew where he was going; indeed, nobody even knew why he knew that Christoper Robin was going away.  But somehow or other everybody in the Forest felt that it was happening at last. 

"Pooh, promise you won't forget about me, ever. Not even when I'm a hundred."
Pooh thought for a little.
"How old shall I be then?"
"Ninety-nine."
Pooh nodded.
"I promise," he said.
Still with his eyes on the world Christopher Robin put out a hand and felt for Pooh's paw. 
'"Pooh," said Christopher Robin earnestly, "if I--if I'm not quite------" he stopped and tried again----"Pooh, whatever happens, you will understand, won't you?"
"Understand what?"
"Oh, nothing" He laughed and jumped to his feet. "Come on!"
"Where?" said Pooh.
"Anywhere," said Christopher Robin. 

I MISS THIS GUY!

Me and the Skinny Salesgirl

I'm going to preface this post with the fact that I'm not a skinny girl.  I'm not obese either. I'm actually in the range of the national average size of a woman.  I'm not fooling myself.  I can definitely stand to lose weight and get in better shape, but I don't stand out in the crowd because of my weight. That's why they call it average. (Of course, I don't want to be average but that's another post on another day.)

Over the course of 20 years I've tried many different diet pills and most of them have had a negative effect on me. The ingredients hoodia and phenethylaminemake make me jittery or nauseated and actually put me in a bad mood.  The natural diet pills with acai, green tea, etc don't have any negative effects but they definitely do not work. I don't know if Alli actually works because I quit taking it after I almost had a bathroom accident in a parking lot.  With Alli you have to be near a bathroom ALL the TIME and that's just not possible.  I've also tried getting a prescription for diet pills but no doctor is willing to give me a prescription because and I quote "Oh, you can lose it on your own."  Really doc, just one month prescription, please?!?!

3 years have gone by since I tried a diet pill. I thought maybe by now there's a natural version on the market that really works.  So I went to GNC to look for an appetite suppressant and this is what transpired:

After looking around GNC and reading at least 10 different labels I finally decided on a protein shake for women that was a combination of an appetite suppressant, vitamins, and a metabolism booster. I really liked that the product was GMO-free and had a list of ingredients that were familiar. There was no flavor listed so I held up the tube asked the salesgirl if she had ever tried the product.

She said she didn't like the product because it had too much sugar. I looked at the label and the only sugar I could find listed was honey. That really didn't bother me. I told her I was looking for an appetite suppressant that didn't contain the bad stuff like hoodia.

The salesgirl walked around the counter towards the wall of protein shakes and I followed hoping she had the answer. Instead of showing me what I asked about she started pushing the GNC brand Lean Shake.  She said it had less sugar and was lower in carbs.  I said yes, however the price difference is $15 and the label promotes meal replacement, not natural appetite suppressant and I didn't know what half the ingredients were either. Salesgirl said she drinks it for breakfast so she knows it tastes good.  I eyed the salesgirl's very thin frame suspiciously and my eyebrow shot up. I asked her what she was using it for and she told me she was in light weight competition. So now I'm wondering if the product actually works or if she is just working off every inch of fat for competition. She's got motivation. I'm looking for something because I don't have motivation.

I said "Yes, but I want an appetite suppressant and this is just a meal replacement."

Skinny said, "If you use the shake as a meal replacement then you don't need the appetite suppressant."

I looked at the obtuse, young girl and thought to myself, "This skinny chick doesn't understand that I need help with appetite control."  I've had my fair share of meal replacement shakes and after 2 hours I'm hungry again.  So I said "No, I really want an appetite suppressant."

Then she picked a shiny glass bottle off the shelf and handed it to me.  The glass bottle was so pretty and the golden pills inside looked promising.  It was called Ab Cuts. I looked at the price tag of $60 which made me think that this must really work.  I quickly read the label but it didn't say anything about appetite suppressant.


I held the bottle up and asked "What's this for?"
She said, "That's to help you get rid of the fat around your waist and thighs."
My mind screeched to a halt...should I be offended?
I quickly figured no offense since I'm asking about appetite control anyway.  It is what it is, right?

So I flipped the bottle over and it was only a combination of herbal supplements like borage oil and other oils which didn't seem worth the $60.  Skinny pointed out that it was on sale fo $30.  Nope, still not worth it.  Most of the oils listed is stuff I've already taken before. So I put the bottle back on the shelf and again said that I was looking for natural appetite suppressant and it didn't have to be in a protein shake form. Just need something to help me.  She insisted that the Ab Cuts was exactly what I needed and if I also used the Lean Shake to replace 2 meals a day it would help me with my problems.

Wait a minute...what does this skinny girl know about my problems?  Moreover, implying that my stomach and thighs are my problem.  I only told her I was looking for an appetite suppressant.  If there was a pill that would help me with my problems it would be call "Autism & ADD Away" or "Negative People Repellent" or "Forget My Stupid Mistakes" that I could slip into someone's cup.
I know I need to lose some LBs but she was making me feel like I was Jabba the Hut.
At that point I started to feel very uncomfortable and was thankful that another customer walked in.
I told Skinny to help the other customer while I thought about it.  Then I walked around pretending that I was thinking about it, turned the corner and shot out the door.
In the car I told myself I was being too sensitive about her comments and that she was just stating the truth about my hips and thighs.
But even if she was stating the truth it still cut me to the core.
It's times like these when I think about all the stupid stuff I said I was young.
I sincerely apologize to anyone reading this if I've ever hurt you with my words.

So I guess there's still no magic diet pill that has been invented yet and I just have to learn to live with the hungry feeling if I want to lose weight.

Let Your Suitcase Be Your Guide

I admit it. I am the reason why my family is late to any event, church, party or gathering. Even if I start the process of getting ready 4 hours ahead of the time I still cannot get ready within the alloted time frame.  I don’t know if it’s hereditary or adult attention deficit disorder (AADD). The problem is I get sidetracked and start doing other things such as refolding my t-shirts as I go through my closet or notice the bathroom sink is dirty and I start cleaning it. I just can't seem to stay focused. 

I really am not the kind of person who likes to lay blame on someone or something but my continual lateness is really rude and I hate being rude so I'm trying to find the fault somewhere else instead of me. 

As long  as I can remember my parents have always been late. Perhaps I picked up this bad habit from my parents and it's rooted into me. It’s become their trademark amongst friends and family. In the Filipino community everyone is late. Time has a different meaning. When we are invited to a Filipino party, “I ask is this American time or Filipino time?”  American time means the time stated is correct and you better be there on time. If it’s Filipino time, then the hostess has given an earlier time than the actual time of the party because she knows the invitees will be late and she really wants the party to start 30 minutes to an hour after the time. So even in the Filipino community where everyone is late, my parents are REALLY late which means they are 2-3 hours late. 

So my constant lateness could be in my DNA and I just can't help myself because I've inherited the "late" gene. 

But the source of my trouble could be Adult Attention Deficit Disorder.
My doctor did not diagnosis me… my husband did.  About a year ago our son was diagnosed with autism and ADHD.  So naturally we read articles to gain knowledge and to get advice. After reading articles on ADHD my husband said to me, “I think you have ADD.” 
Of course, I was in denial. I said, "No, I don't."
He said, “I left an article for you to read in the bathroom.”  
Curious I looked in the bathroom and it was an article on adult ADD. 
After reading the article I said to myself, “Okay,it looks like I have AADD. I have many of the symptoms described in the articles such as having many unfinished projects. I’m not going to a doctor to waste money and to get tested to be officially labeled. I refuse to go on drugs. I will just do the best I can.”  

It's true that admitting the problem is the first step. It made me realize that I do silly stuff while getting dressed. An example is looking for jewelry to match my outfit and instead of moving onto the next step I find myself organizing my jewelry armoire. But now that I am aware that this is contributing to my lateness I can check myself and force myself to go back to getting dressed. 

Another contributing factor to why I am late is that I never like the image that is reflected in the mirror. This leads to the dreaded I-have-nothing-to-wear dilemma and when-will-I really-stick-to-a-diet? question.  It is a vicious and ugly cycle.  Putting on clothes, sighing with disgust, trying a different outfit, hating my fat. During the whole time berating I'm myself for being overweight and I forget to look at the clock.

But just last week I had a huge revelation on a family trip to The Villages at Silverleaf Resorts in Tyler, Tx. We were scammed into one of those time-share meetings. We were told The Villages was a place similar to Great Wolf Lodge which is an amazing, plush hotel with an indoor water park and a sky-high rate to match its grandeur. All we had to do was attend the 2-hour meeting to be able to enjoy the place. Of course it ended up being a big scam because we were placed in a old motel and only allowed to swim at the water park after a 6-hour sales pitch. In order to stay on the grounds we had to sign up with the time share. But the kicker was that it wasn't even a hotel. It was a bunch of log cabins. Doh! Similar to the Great Wolf Lodge, my butt. There was nothing plush and relaxing about the place. The water park was also half the size of GWL's water park. We let our boys swim for a few hours and went out to eat. We didn't even stay another night in the motel. What a waste of time and money.

But, I digress. Back to my burning life-changing revelation. During our whole time there I was surprised I was always ready to go and we were not late. I realized there’s nothing like living out of a suitcase to make you realize how much stuff you really DON’T need.  It was simple living.  I had to wear the clothes and jewelry I brought. I didn’t waste time trying on 3-4 different outfits. And there was nothing to distract me like organizing my jewelry or cleaning the sink.

It was so clear to me:  I must learn to simplify my life as if I were living out of a suitcase. 

I don’t need a ton of clothing, shoes, nor jewelry.  I don’t need all the other things like special lotions, soaps, house décor, art supplies, etc.  I should just live a clean and simple life. If I had less stuff it would be easier to clean and there would be less decisions. I decided to donate 50% of my clothes and to stop shopping.

pic from Travelphant.com

But as human nature goes, the joy of this revelation is slipping away from me.  I am back at home. As I look around my house trying to decide what to donate I realize that there are pieces that hold memories and I can't relinquish them. Plus, I don’t have housekeeping like the hotels. While on a trip I'm not bothered to clean the sink because I know a maid will do it. But at home I am the maid so I am tempted to clean because I figured I started getting ready extra early therefore I have some extra time to clean.

As I go through my closet trying to decide what to donate I start thinking I would be so bored if I wore the same clothes over and over! And I love my clothes just like Carrie Bradshaw. The 50% I was so gung-ho to donate has dropped down to 5%.

Although I absolutely love the idea of living life as simply as living out of a suitcase it is not a possibility for me. Even though I know reducing my belongings would help tremendously in my quest to no longer be tardy I just can't do it yet. I'm hoping that one day I will achieve the zen state and actually give 50% of my belongings away and be free of it all. I will try to hold onto the feeling I had when the revelation came that living out of a suitcase is liberating. I will try to let my suitcase be my guide. But in the meantime, the size of my suitcase will have to be several steam trunks.