Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Truth Be Told

When I began my blog last year I had no idea what to do and found an article that gave helpful advice on blogging.  Out of all the tips given the only one that stuck with me was to not use your blog as an outlet to pour out your emotions, especially if you were mad at your husband or friend.  The article said to keep your blog upbeat and light. There were many times I wanted to write not-so-very upbeat posts which were inspired by politics or my anger at some injustice.  But I would remember the "upbeat and light" advice and let the emotions pass.  In order to keep the upbeat atmosphere I never revealed the reason why I have not been blogging consistently. I suppose that I didn't want to expose myself as weak and sad either. But blogs are similar to journals and in journals we write about the good times and bad.  We confess everything about our lives even our faults and problems.

I've been ill.  I have been dealing with headaches every day.  My husband kept telling me that having a headache everyday was not normal, but I didn't listen to him because the Motrin was making the pain go away and I was functioning.  But eventually I was no longer functioning.  In addition, I was also going to a CareNow facility to treat my ear infections.  After having the sixth ear infection I finally went to an Ear-Nose-Throat doctor who told me I wasn't suffering from ear infections.  After trying a couple of treatments (one of which I  had a terrible reaction to) I still felt immense pain.  Nothing seemed to work.  He couldn't figure out what was causing the pain in my ears and head.  One day he leaned against the counter and put his finger on his chin and said, "You are a mystery."  His diagnosis was hearing loss with painful hearing and no treatment.  Then he referred me to a neurologist, whom I've been seeing for about 3 months now.  I've had an MRI, MRA, EEG, cognitive tests, pressure tests, etc.  The doc informed me that I have 3 degenerating discs in my neck and my MRA showed a small blip in my brain.  This Saturday I'm getting a CT scan in order to get a 3D view of the blip. I'm praying that the CT scan is clear.

This is a journal entry I wrote in May before I knew about the degenerating discs and blip.  I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable to the world even though I pride myself in being an extremely strong person.

I'm feeling melancholy.  I'm also feeling scared...scared of what could possibly be causing my pain.  I've been ill for 9 months now.  I thank God that it's not bed-ridden illness and for the precious few days that I actually feel normal.  I'm just not the same person I was 9 months ago.  I can't think clearly, I have no energy, and every day I feel pain.  Pain in my ears, pain in my head, pain in my neck and shoulders, sometimes in my it's pain around my eyes. My days have blurred together.  It's starting to wear me down. I am not living the life I was meant to live.  I feel okay when I'm lying down -- but I will not allow myself to just lie around all the time. So in faith, I get up and try to do something as if nothing were bothering me.  My goals are small now: get the kids to school, cook, clean one thing even if it's the simplest task such as hanging 4 shirts or wiping down the counter.  I long for the days when my house was clean and I actually was a good mom.
To make matters worse I have not created one thing and have barely written. I don't have time to create because when I do feel "fine" I need to do the chores and tasks that sit around the house waiting patiently on me.  I feel guilty because I don't want my children to feel neglected. I can't even hold a regular conversation with them because their voices hurts my ears. If I'm always shushing them, eventually they will stop talking to me. Yesterday when I was making a sandwich for my son I thought about using a cookie cutter to make it cute. But I felt too tired. I made him a plain sandwich and nothing else. Later that night I as I laid in bed I was thinking "Girl, you didn't even give him a fruit or carrots with that sandwich.  You're a terrible mom."  He's old enough to get his own food, but he's not making healthy choices so I like to prepare his lunch.

Everyday I pray to God.  Everyday I wake up thinking "I'm healed! I'm not going to have any pain today."  But as I begin to move around I start to feel the disappointment rise within me as the pain also rises.  And the devil likes to bring doubt to my mind. He also reminded me that when I was an adolescent that I thought about suicide all the time.  Ironically, at the time I was healthy as a horse and I couldn't get sick.  Now I have a good life and I want to live I've become chronically ill.  What's up with that?!  I've asked for forgiveness for my suicidal thoughts.  I've asked God to pull out the roots of the bad seeds I planted in my head.  I've become so introspective questioning myself, "Are you bitter?  Do you hold unforgiveness in your heart?  Did I do something to cause this?"  So many things are brought to mind. So many regrets. I've searched myself and I don't think I am bitter nor holding a grudge of unforgiveness. In searching my thoughts I have come to the realization that I MUST speak positively to myself.  All my life I've cut myself down and used self-deprecating humor.  I wonder has my self-loathing contributed to my sickness?  Now it's time to love and forgive myself. I've been working on loving and liking myself for the past 3 years.  It's just so hard after all these years of despising (too strong a word?) myself to actually like and love myself.  I don't understand why I easily remember all the mistakes I've made and have a hard time remembering  the good times and what I've accomplished as if it's never good enough.  

But I haven't lost hope.  I know God is a good God.  He loves me and I know He doesn't want me ill.  I place my trust and hope in Jesus.  I know one day I will have a testimony of healing that will give others hope.

The battle is not really physical, but a battle of faith.  I name and claim healing.  I'm not asking to be healed; I believe I am already healed.  

Proverbs 4:20-22  attend to my words' incline your ear towards my sayings.  Let them not depart from your  eyes; keep them in the midst of your heart.  For they are life to those that find them, and health to ALL their flesh.   

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...