Monday, April 27, 2015

Weight Loss Journey, Entry April 24, 2014

This is my second journal entry. I've already posted page 1 of my Weight Loss Journal. I've actually been writing about my weight for over 30 years but last year I made an official journal dedicated soley to weight loss.

I'm going to be as transparent as I can be about my struggles to lose weight. It is embarassing but I am only human. I am not perfect and I definitely struggle with food addiction. I have an addictive personality. Looking back on my life I've always been addicted to something whether it was muscians, drugs, shopping, smoking, collecting stuff, couponing, etc. Believe it or not, I was actually addicted to exercising in my 7th and 8th years of middle school but that phase went away when I got into high school. So now in my mature years I've turned to food because it is the only legal "drug" I can do and it's cheaper than being a shopaholic. The problem is that we all need to eat so it's not like people can see my food addiction like we can see a drug addict's problem.

What really doesn't help my situation is that I am an emotional eater. I use food to numb my feelings. I'm trying so hard to find a new way to deal with my emotions. I wish I was one of those types of girls who don't eat when they are emotional, but sadly I'm the type of girl that likes to eat junk food to assuage my feelings of turmoil.

The reason why this entry is from last year is because I didn't want to post my current journal entries without showing what I was going through and thinking last year.

Drawbacks of my journaling:  I am not consistent in writing in my journal so there will be huge gaps between dates. There is also misspelling and lack of proper English in my entries because I'm lazy and sometimes my hand starts to hurt so I rush through it.

I wrote this entry in April but it was about December 2013 so that is why there is winter embellishments on it.
April 24, 2014


The last time I said "Screw it!" I don't care!" was this past December (2013). Those are very dangerous words. Every time I've said this and really meant it I gained weight. It's not good to despair or give up hope no matter what I feel emotionally and mentally. Last year I lost 10 lbs and was down to 165. I kept it off.
My dear friends from childhood, Julie R, msged me and said she would visit between Sept-Dec (for a Cowboy game). I thought I would use her visit as motivation to lose weight since we have not seen each other in over 20 years. Even though I knew she was coming I didn't have the right mind set. My head was not in the right place with dad's death. I always felt like something was wrong. I just struggled to keep the 10 lbs off. By the time Thanksgiving rolled around I felt like it was too late. Then Julie posted pics of her and her daughter in Paris and I saw how teen-tiny she was. I clearly remember thinking I'll never lose enough weight to make a difference before Julie visits so just SCREW IT I'm going to eat. And eat I did. I gained weight. So when Julie visited right after Christmas I was gross. Julie is so petite and I think she's the same size as we were in middle school. I feel like a monster next to her. I hate the pics from her visit. I look like a cow. The cherry on top was I broke out with allergies around my eyes so I had extra wrinkles making me look older.

So I must be aware and super determined to not give in the next time I say "screw it" and just eat. I need to work hard and keep it together. No more falling apart. Stop letting food assuage my emtions. In 2008 when I was very emotional about my husband (and his thing from 2001) I had just eaten a big breakfast and was sitting on the couch watching TV. I started to eat RiceWorks chips and I thought "I should stop eating" and then I thought "Who cares? My husband was attracted to a girl bigger than me. So it doesn't matter." And then I just ate non-stop. I think that day the death toll rang. Because my health deteriorated after that. I think not eating right, hating myself and not exercising caused health problems. Joseph Prince said when we hate ourselves the body breaks down.

So I'm on a new journey towards health. I don't hate myself, Bill and I have a fantastic marriage, and my mind set has changed. I just need the determination and self control. I need the Holy Spirit to really help me. I think I also ate because my spirit was hungry. Instead of feeding my spirit with the word of God I ate physically. But I'm back to reading the word too. I pray this time I finally lose weight and keep it off.


No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...